resignation letter

i hope you have given up on these little thoughts. they are mine and they are not to be loved. i'm getting far less "i like that about you's", which is a thing, maybe i never said it, that i really, really like about you. there are no more cheek to lip fake outs in the bars of cafes. this is all to be expected. i am sick at the thought of remembering these moments for the rest of my life. i want to grow out of them, grow out of you, and discard the husk that was once my sexed pink skin in the autumn leaves. i want to be well. i want you to see me happy and normal, not sick with grief. believe me, i'm trying to find peace, but my mind, and the things it thinks it needs, are so strong. so this is my resignation letter. the one i will never send but know i should. i want so badly to be near you and there for you and happy and bright and helpful but my words and actions are poison.

by the way, she doesn't love you. she loves an idea of you, the one you choose to project. if she knew the real you, she wouldn't love you anymore. so you will keep yourself inside your chest and try and forget it but you can't. i'm not telling you anything you don't already know. it's easy to play a part for a weekend. if you don't live together there is not much to fight about. but you both seem to manage. i could take her away from you in 160 characters or less. i wouldn't, i wouldn't, but i understand the people who do now. i never did before. i never understood monogamy, jealousy, unrequited love. spending hours on mixtapes and other nice things without ever expecting to be reciprocated. my love was a business, a well run machine, something i gave in equal parts to those that wanted it. something superficial and something that never hurt. something very, very comfortable. i realize my love is not comfortable to you. it is strange and new and hard and fast and something maybe you can't understand or are afraid of or do not trust. that's fine. i can't expect you to switch from a huge fucking lazy boy to whatever this is.

please know i still believe i can make you happy. please believe i still think somewhere down the line, this could work out. i'm in a bad place maybe, and maybe you helped me get there, or maybe i did it all to myself. but know, please know, i have never felt such affection and admiration for someone like this before. i don't think you deserve it, but i want you to have it. it's the most important feeling i've ever had and it's the only one i have left. maybe i can't talk to you as much anymore. maybe i can't talk to you at all. maybe the only way i can get better is if i pretend all of this didn't happen. i don't want that. i want our old dynamic back. this new one is too painful, too dead. but know, in my little blue and white room, surrounded by my records and little glass animals, tucking my toes into clean white sheets every night, all i will be able to think about is this boy i have loved with everything i have who didn't want it and now it's gone.

ps: i don't think you will ever read this, but thank you for reading it at some point. it made me feel very special.