freewrite before work

a lie you told me

i play over and over like a record

i’m determined to break the needle on:

"if we need to fuck to still be friends

we can do that"

this and urinating while crying

is most likely why my head hurts

they skip your songs at the café

and cover my ears when we walk by them

(my friends are good friends)

i eat with them so they can see

that i ate something

they smoke with me so they know

i’ll sleep (too much or so little but it’s something)

in addition to you

i have lost my orgasm

i looked everywhere

it doesn’t want me anymore

i keep leaving it notes

on loose leaf paper that say

please one more please

sometimes i think

fucking you would do it

sometimes i think

i would just cry too much

but all the time

i do think about it

or at least

waking up in the morning

and laughing for three hours

before our bodies forced us out of bed

craving french toast and beer

i stand by what i said about my top

three breakfasts

(the other two were buffers)

i am sorry that i love you

i’m sorry i thought i could

fight moral battles to

find love in the crooks of arms for me

i’m sorry we can’t be friends

i’m sorry i’m working hard

to one day not be sorry

about any of this

two things you should know:

i always looked for something new

in my lovers. but now

i’ll have to look for this.

i fell off again on the way to your house

but you tried so hard not to look at my scrapes

you didn’t notice

i was bleeding and shaking and covered in dirt

but around you i always feel like

i’m bleeding and shaking and covered in dirt

and the muffin batter was fine so

i didn’t think to mention it.