retrospective

i know the things we picked up along the road

stones shaped like hearts beaded curtains

one thousand gold matches in metal elephants

daydreams of down the street pink mustangs

dragonflies turned into helicopters

where third eyes were opened

for the second time

the things we lost along the way

god, first homes, clothes

i remember all the times you fixed it.

which you always did, but i also remember when fixing it was as easy as saying bunchie.

i couldn’t even take care of the cats

or the earwigs in the drain

i remember how pissed you were that i left the water running because i was so scared of them just like

hiding from your mom in the closet because it was past ten

you held my hand over the rail at island grove when

my hands were allergic to friction

and again over the hospital bed guard rail

when i was trying to leave saying

please i really didn’t mean to say that i wanted to

i remember henry died and you touched me like how you touched my chest that one time i got a sunburn and we were too young to be touching chests and every touch was electrified

i remember i broke your heart and while i was busy getting stoned you bought a big red sports car

i remember i broke your heart and even though we got stoned together then and you lost the sports car

i went off gallavanting and forgetting how your eyes get smaller when you smile or the clever way your face shape shifted into mountains on the hot summer nights where I wore my green plaid dress and a smile and you still had your sports car and a smile so we convinced ourselves there was a car show in halifax and spent the next day on the saggy grey couch watching top gear or when we went on clever cruises in the company yaris and i wasn't wearing anything in particular but not the sort of nothing i was wearing on top of my black bra in the mountaineer that one time when we were what like sixteen?

i remember when i couldn’t drive or keep my cool or think for myself or talk to adults or stay focused or believe i was beautiful but now it all a memory