beach pussy

barely missed summer

on the big black wheel roads.

the family cat wasn't so lucky

but we turned around and

you grabbed him

a limp warm blood spot oh god

and laid him over the guardrail

which seemed right

right as found arcade tickets

with no prize

sunday

the lazy days fast turn into crazed melee, delayed malaise

saturday

it was on a piece of paper. i lost it. i hope i find it.

i'm sorry, i keep

getting distracted

what was the goal?

make something of yourself, kid

yeah.

oh shit. or was it?

be happy. just be...something

while you're doing it

no no

fuck

i'm supposed to make other people happy

or like, make them think

about happiness

make my family happy

or

fucking

accept the soggy puzzle pieces

and angry magpies, stealing tinsel

i thought i saw a grey hair

but instead found a bit of straw

i would have found burst capillaries

hadn't i played with caterpillars

i could have been wrinkled already

if outdoor dust didn't laugh off like leaf veins

mutual doodles

lines

curves

thick lines

and the absence of them

between it all

i'm only

as good as

you think i am,

ginge

living poetry

one hour to herself

cool things about today

fireflies
hammers
late night bright lights flashed out sassy lady gaga goin alejandro
busting pipes open with hammers
using busted open pipes like our rock mountain patio furniture
white butterflies that were lithe and blithley like moths
washed out the inside, our car
was all blinking green and red lights
cooked off mushrooms
dirt piles high
sky lined with
childrens section
my little book about god
little golden treasures
over
big cats sticker book over three hundred fucking stickers
come on

my

lithe white thighs tithe sighs in quiet nights blithe

high school benefit

the home ec room is where the robotics kids practice now

and we all finished wasting a different four years than last time

pee cock rock steady

her favorite bird

was always the peacock

first for the name then

the way they were either

clinking with the shine of a

blue metal rainbow

or nothing

waiting to be filled in

or already washed out

she saw them simmering in the florida heat bobbing

their pom pom bobs and perching

one leg up when they were thinking

one day, she was a young woman

and the scores of

vain indigo eyes

hung from every

blonde little bitty

that flies in the flock of the times

taking her cocky pea pride

that she learned from the best

she shoved those regal royal blue

bristling fronds

right up her ass

and sat on her pride

waiting for the whole thing to blow over

it was over

when it was over she was glad to pick up the memories of her with her teeth and toenails, scratching back into the laundrying shampooing flesh vessel that knew why she did it

sky high

this is the highest the sky has ever been

lighten up

she always wondered about the bleached out pictures in the crotch of her panties

did her vagina try to recreate pastoral scenes by spitting hydrogen peroxide?

does it cry the virgin mary into cheaply serged cotton at night?

eventually, the rock was removed from the tomb

and the medicine cabinet revealed

his after shower facial cleanser

and their marriage the muse

papers, my boy

put off

as in it got or i'm

you off

as in i'd rather get

retrospective 2

i remember scrounging, don’t you?

boiling water in your black hoodie

letting your tattered sleeves get precariously close to the hot bubbles

we lived in a shit hole anyways but it was ours and your dad let us stay and my dad got drunk and helped put a floor in the bathroom and i mean, we cleaned out the old cat piss and i painted and painted while you were at work, turning the walls to red and black and blue so how could it be anything but our home.

that winter we had the quaintest christmas party. nothing in the house but twenty dollars worth of decorations and beer between us and i can’t remember which year but one year we found a tree across the street and another we made one out of a tripod. it was greener that way

the warm summer months we wore shorts and from the porch we saw the church car washes from across the street, beer in hand, watching fear in god scrub hornets out of hubcaps.

and i didn’t go anywhere but i didn’t need to because i had my cigarettes and you and the bong unless we broke the bong, which we did, and we cried and packed something else and tried not to get the cats high.

an especially hot day paul rolled up in his el camino, passed out girl in the bed and we smoked cigarettes and wondered what to do but eventually we carried her upstairs and fed her veggie burgers back to health and she fell on the treacherous stoner landscape of our coffee table naked, trying to show us her led zeppelin tattoos.

one of the summer months, i moved out a pregnant 18 year old on an adderrall bender because her boyfriend was a pill head and a hoarder and i mean how could i not? i wasn’t too particular about honing my morals but damn.

the attic stayed a haven for the insane and stoned that wanted to disappear in the floorboards and clamor onto the garbage posing as furniture and i don’t know what we talked about but the only light was candles so it must have been something romantic or scary or serious which are all pretty close anyways.

and the floor would undress itself, leaving us little laminated slivers of nothing to stick in our feet and beds and carpet we should have gotten rid of months ago.

and our liver stayed stuck to the ceiling, a dark purple sac looking on with at least a morbid curiosity.

retrospective

i know the things we picked up along the road

stones shaped like hearts beaded curtains

one thousand gold matches in metal elephants

daydreams of down the street pink mustangs

dragonflies turned into helicopters

where third eyes were opened

for the second time

the things we lost along the way

god, first homes, clothes

i remember all the times you fixed it.

which you always did, but i also remember when fixing it was as easy as saying bunchie.

i couldn’t even take care of the cats

or the earwigs in the drain

i remember how pissed you were that i left the water running because i was so scared of them just like

hiding from your mom in the closet because it was past ten

you held my hand over the rail at island grove when

my hands were allergic to friction

and again over the hospital bed guard rail

when i was trying to leave saying

please i really didn’t mean to say that i wanted to

i remember henry died and you touched me like how you touched my chest that one time i got a sunburn and we were too young to be touching chests and every touch was electrified

i remember i broke your heart and while i was busy getting stoned you bought a big red sports car

i remember i broke your heart and even though we got stoned together then and you lost the sports car

i went off gallavanting and forgetting how your eyes get smaller when you smile or the clever way your face shape shifted into mountains on the hot summer nights where I wore my green plaid dress and a smile and you still had your sports car and a smile so we convinced ourselves there was a car show in halifax and spent the next day on the saggy grey couch watching top gear or when we went on clever cruises in the company yaris and i wasn't wearing anything in particular but not the sort of nothing i was wearing on top of my black bra in the mountaineer that one time when we were what like sixteen?

i remember when i couldn’t drive or keep my cool or think for myself or talk to adults or stay focused or believe i was beautiful but now it all a memory

in clutter

mom, i’m finding myself

at the bottom of crushed cans

and sticking on the insides of

helicopters? pinnochio noses?

if i peek into the garage

where the stray cats fight on a

forgotten (stolen) corvette

i see myself napping in the backseat

licking love into feral sisters ears and

mingling with the leathered dust

last day

i notice more the

smell of everyones lunch

and the couples on campus

touching theories and fictive strategy

sanding away satan's goat head in the art building

i wonder why i never pursued that crafts minor

so crowded

mayfair maday

no room to lay

june without a

post noon melee

dear lord

dear lord

please excuse shayna from this past yesterday. she offers her condolences for blowing you off, as well as everything else that was supposed to transpire this past evening. she will attempt to refrain from being a hedonistic party wolf in the upcoming hours.

the powers at be