jouissance, substance, gentlemen, when

I remember when I first saw cats. I was wrapped in a blanket, in awe of the airbrushed unitards. I remember the first time I smoked weed. I ate pumpkin cheesecake and was supposed to be getting supplies for my missionary trip. I remember my first kiss, it was under that same blanket and started with my nose

I remember when I had my beard for my stage makeup class, there were screams in the girls room. I remember the first time I drank beer. It tasted like my dad. I remember how I suggested starbucks, and you grimaced and took me to get “real coffee”, it became my favorite place.

I remember winning 300 tickets in an arcade crane game. I got a unicorn figurine and my two front teeth were missing. I remember the first time I dropped acid. I tasted purple and my head came very close to falling off. I remember being flattered and repulsed when a local white supremacist said he “liked the way I was built”

I remember when we had to change into our costumes for dance class, and I was the only one without a bra. I remember the first time I did salvia. I lit a microwave on fire and fell in love with a Brazilian musician, who became triangles. I remember how you tried to pick me up at work, but I really just wanted to get my sewing machine back from the shop.

I remember that art phase I went through where I cut off toy animal heads with a rotary saw and mounted them. I remember the first time I did coke. I talked really fast about tattoos and fell in love with the phrase “Barn’s burnt down. Now I can see the moon”. I remember when I ordered a multigrain bagel with butter because I missed you and almost cried at check out

I remember the first time I did pure mdma, it was at a spirit animal party I threw, and was on a lot of other things. I remember dreams where my teeth would fall out, picking at my gums until they stretched out onto the bathroom sink. I remember the day I had a pot full of boiling marijuana butter on the 87 bus (it smelled), then I broke my shoe and was locked out of my house.

I remember you helping me across the ice in the common. I think I loved you most then.